Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
