Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
