just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
