We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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