I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
