i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
