I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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