Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Damn victory sex feels great
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
