no, he came in my armpit
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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