Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
