I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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