My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
