I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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