Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
