they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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