I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
