at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
