I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
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I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
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I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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