I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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