last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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