Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
