have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
