You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
