AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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