So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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