All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
