Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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