How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
