well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
tell me about the eggs
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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