I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
