He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
