Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
