What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
