Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
