Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
