the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
