My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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