we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
