you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
