Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
