I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
