Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I faked an abortion last night.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We're hate flirting, damnit.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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