Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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