i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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