If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
