Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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