he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
