umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
