So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
