We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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