seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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