I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
