Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
