I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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