apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
