Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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