You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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